Answer Man introduces Answer Dude, and missing bears

I tell you, if it's not my colleague Casey Blake trying to take over my Answer Kingdom, it's the whippersnappers.

Today, I introduce you to a likable young whippersnapper we've christened "Answer Dude," Enka High School student David Bortolotto, who's doing an internship with us this summer. While having lunch last week, David and I brainstormed on how he could get some bylines in the paper, and it occurred to us he could crank out an occasional Answer Man column.

Since it saves me some work, I'm all for it, and David gets to bask in the, ahem, fame and glory of the Answer Kingdom for a day. Yes, I am delusional.

So, David, how's it feel to take over the hot seat?

"It's the culmination of my lifelong aspiration to work alongside such a prominent force in the journalistic community," Bortolotto said. "Keep in mind I'm only 16, and I haven't met a whole lot of important people yet."

Man, this lad is a natural-born smart aleck!

Here's his take on two burning questions, along with his smart-aleck responses and the real answers.

Question: Where are all the bears this year?

My answer: Sometimes the black bears find themselves wallowing in self-pity. They're the smaller, more lovable kin of their much larger brothers and sisters. Let's face it, they're bitter about it. So they're in my dumpster, basking in honey and shreds of articles demeaning their reputation as ferocious beasts. The answer to our question ladies and gentlemen: our furry friends are depressed, and they need some time alone out of the spotlight.

Real Answer: "The bear population is still increasing," said Mike Carraway, a wildlife biologist with the N.C. Wildlife Resources Commission. "It just really depends on where the bears are finding food."

That may be in your back yard. While some will see no bears, others may be "lucky" enough to find baby cubs in their compost this summer.

The human-bear activity has actually been on a steady increase since 1993, when the interactions resulted in 22 reports to the WRC. By this past year, it had soared to 569.

"We're getting calls everyday," Carraway said.

The bear population estimate for this year is from 6,000-8,000 in the mountains. If you aren't seeing the furry animals around your house, it's probably a good thing. If you do, it's likely because you live in an area close to a bear habitat.

"We see spikes in incidents where natural food sources are depleting," Carraway said.

In years like 2010, where there were fewer human-bear interactions, there was an abundant supply of natural food, Carraway said. During years like those, bears are less likely to be spotted, because they don't have to travel out of their habitat for food.

Remember, it's always a good idea to keep bird feeders and trash cans away from bears, and don't ever feed them.

Question: What's the average price of a cremation versus a funeral in Asheville?

My answer: After this year's funerals had Black Cat fireworks added for a "special effect," the prices have skyrocketed. You can expect a cremation to be significantly cheaper this year.

Real Answer: Funerals can be costly. With embalming process and casket prices, you'll see a cost of $8,000-$10,000.

This is opposed to cremation, which, with a private family viewing, typically runs from $1,000-$2,400.

"We get around 730 families annually," said Dale Groce, of Groce Funeral homes.

Most of the time, they can expect around 36 percent of the families to side with cremation.

In 1975, cremations totaled about 6.5 percent of funerals. The number jumped to 42 percent by 2011, according to the National Funeral Directors Association.

This is the opinion of John Boyle and David Bortolotto. To submit a question, call John Boyle at 232-5847, or send an email to jboyle@citizen-times.com